Despair revoked, Hope revealed !

Despair revoked, Hope revealed!  Part One

Zoe-Faith-Anencephaly- parents looking at her

Grey wall, stark, ever-present, and monstrous- fear. What have I done? There is no hope, nothing will change. I will cry out forever and none will know my inner heart. None can know my pain or see me.  I deserve this, I brought this on.  Despair and hopelessness are my constant companion.

Jen’s cry went out as Hannah’s did ages ago.  Grant me a child God, not because I deserve it but because your daughter asks. I ask out of a humble heart. Humble enough to know that what the Lord gives belongs to Him.  When Hannah exposed her heart to the Lord, her humble petition was heard. Hannah was granted a son.  Read 1 Samuel chapter one if you are interested in the biblical account of the life of this prayer filled woman.

When Jen and her husband cried out to the Lord for a child.  Days led to years of constant prayers. These petitions were known and heard, God granted them Zoe. Her birth gave life to hope. In Hebrew the word hope comes from the same root word as wait. Times of waiting, create space and time for God to establish miracles within us.  During that time of waiting it was discovered that Zoe had a fatal diagnosis.  She was not expected to make it to her birth. Jen Stolz was taught the fullness of the word hope from her tiny daughter. Against all the odds Jen was given the gift of Zoe.  Zoe’s two hours of life created an eternal ripple both in the spiritual and physical realm.

Jen writes out of a deep well dug by waiting and redeemed by hope revealed. Jen can be found at www.LivingLifeLovingIt.com. She knows of despair, but they are no longer friends. Hope is her constant companion. I don’t know what God has planned for Zoe’s mother and father, but He does not give such a radiant gift, Zoe, to just anyone. Jen’s light will shine, as she continues to benefit from hope revealed in her daughter’s life. I intend to read what God has developed from within her humble heart.  I have much to learn about waiting and becoming, within the process of being present in the life God has given me.

Pray: Lord Jesus, You know us, even before you knit us together within our mother’s wombs. We cannot be fully known by other mortals. Our brief encounters and fleeting looks do not reveal our inner beings. You know our inner hearts and redeem us. Thank you, My Savior. We surrender to You our entire beings to receive from You what You desire for us. In the waiting times help us to see Your sovereign hand. We love and need you, Jesus. Thank you, Amen.

Jen writes about her daughter in http://www.livinglifelovingit.com/anencephaly-infant-loss-sorrow/

Advertisements

Uncertainty is a Tyrant!

Uncertainty is a tyrant- wielding warriors of anxiety, desperation and helplessness

file9541282977224

There is a deep, raw and primal need to protect our children. In my life I have the privilege and responsibility of listening to the pain, as mother’s hearts are roughly exposed and left vulnerable. Three mothers in differing amounts of struggle from uncertainty poured out their pain as I listened and prayed for them this week.

Between snippets of breathe, I heard the retelling of the story of her daughter’s last moments on earth

I listened to the rigid and unforgiving regimen of cancer treatment endured for a friend’s son battling for his life. We half joked noting that you need therapy just to endure all the therapy.

I listened to a mother torn and confused on treatment options for her son with ADD. Her eyes revealing her desperate desire to quiet the monstrous “what-ifs” the all too familiar, lurking to devour— uncertainty

We have an option, only one, to not only endure the devourer named uncertainity but to conquer it. We have the option of surrendering to the Lord and receiving a whole new perspective. A vision of life that we cannot see because our eyes are darkened by grief and battle torn by circumstances too horrible for us to endure alone.

Pray: Lord Jesus, I am desperate. My heart is breaking and I have no place to find relief. Help me. Help me to see Your mighty hand and to feel Your protection. Guide me Jesus through this mine field. I bind the evil of uncertainty, hopelessness, helplessness and mind numbing mental anguish of the unknown in Jesus name. Take my anxiety from me, I cast it onto You. Let me see the next step in front of me and help me to take it. And then the next, move me as only You are able. Protect my mother heart from the devourer satan as he throws his deceitful darts of doubt. I cry out to the living God to save me, guide me and shelter my raw heart. Only You God. Only You, Jesus. Amen.

You can not carry your child’s cross

crossYou can not carry your child’s cross.  Luke 9:23 states,  Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  We can not pick up their cross but are called to pick up our own personal cross daily.

We can not pick up our children’s crosses it does not work that way.  God created their cross for them.  Their unique attributes and obstacles; some to endure, some to overcome and some to count as pure joy.  All of these obstacles and attributes are blended together to create the masterpiece that is them.  We can not interrupt the process of them “becoming” to reduce our own pain.  I too anguish over my children’s struggles they seem unnecessary, messy, painful and without purpose.  I say to myself, “Surely the Lord would want me to fix this”, when the answer is, “no this is for them to endure” I languish in my pain and allow joy to be stolen from me.

Someone once told me about the process of a butterflies birth and I believe it applies here.  A butterfly once it is cocooned must then bite its way through the cocoon and slowly squeeze itself out millimeter my millimeter as it’s wings slowly unfold they dry.  Someone seeing that pain and slow progress pulled the butterfly out quickly, “saving it”.  This butterfly never did fully develop it’s wings and could not fly.  Because you see in that slow painful process the wings were fully developing.  We can not “ease” the process it is not possible.

Lord help me to stop trying to “ease” the process.  Let me to live in the moment and to feel the joy that you are granting me.  Strengthen me through your joy.  I love you Lord and I trust you with my children.  Take them Lord for you know the plans you have for them.  Grant me the strength to get out of your way.  Help me Lord instead to pick up my own cross.  Do not let me un-shoulder my privilege and my right to bear my own cross.  I need You in my life.  I surrender my motherhood to you.  I love you Lord, Amen.