“Thwang.” A giant drum spins and drives its timber into my heart cavity releasing a devastating quake into my mother’s heart. An agitated, twittering flutter emerges where once a strong steady beat resided. This unnatural vibration of the heart sets into motion frantic thoughts.
A simple statement of fact regarding a lack of a skill in one of my sons left me deadened for hours. Dread settles in. The “what ifs?”-emerge. What if he never improves? What will he look like as an adult? All the while, the other side of my heart wants to fully experience the gift of motherhood without undue expectations and worry. How do you reconcile these two distinctly different realities? How do you operate with a divided heart?
As I struggle to breathe, a prayer escapes me. “Lord Jesus, I can’t bear this. I don’t have a clue on what to do to relieve this pain and to make the correct choices not based on fear but on Truth.”
As I let go, I feel the crashing- thudding weapon formed against my mother’s heart begin to dismantle. I understand that God loves my children more than I do. That this skill was improving and that if I laid this problem in God’s hand the solution would continue to unfold. The moment I grab it back, it arrests the work that God is doing. In the past fear had frozen me, forcing me into a sick dance from in-action to frantic ineffective action. I cannot find balance alone. There is no balance in my own mind or heart. Desperate I release to Jesus and start the road to healing.
(I encourage you to proclaim this prayer out- loud over your life)
Prayer: Great is the glory of the Lord and forever He does reign. His sovereign hand is on my heart and in my children’s lives. I cannot save my children or myself my help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. I proclaim and declare trust in the living God- Jesus Christ. Have Your way in my life. Restore my family to their original creation design. Enlighten the eyes of my heart so that I might hear from You and that I might begin to grow in the knowledge of Your majesty and understand my own standing in Your kingdom. Thank you, Jesus. Amen
Ephesians 1:17-20 (NIV)
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit [of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,