Mother’s heart

 

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“Thwang.” A giant drum spins and drives its timber into my heart cavity releasing a devastating quake into my mother’s heart.  An agitated, twittering flutter emerges where once a strong steady beat resided. This unnatural vibration of the heart sets into motion frantic thoughts.

            A simple statement of fact regarding a lack of a skill in one of my sons left me deadened for hours.  Dread settles in. The “what ifs?”-emerge.  What if he never improves?  What will he look like as an adult?  All the while, the other side of my heart wants to fully experience the gift of motherhood without undue expectations and worry.  How do you reconcile these two distinctly different realities? How do you operate with a divided heart?

As I struggle to breathe, a prayer escapes me.  “Lord Jesus, I can’t bear this.  I don’t have a clue on what to do to relieve this pain and to make the correct choices not based on fear but on Truth.”

As I let go, I feel the crashing- thudding weapon formed against my mother’s heart begin to dismantle.  I understand that God loves my children more than I do.  That this skill was improving and that if I laid this problem in God’s hand the solution would continue to unfold.  The moment I grab it back, it arrests the work that God is doing.  In the past fear had frozen me, forcing me into a sick dance from in-action to frantic ineffective action.  I cannot find balance alone.  There is no balance in my own mind or heart.  Desperate I release to Jesus and start the road to healing.

(I encourage you to proclaim this prayer out- loud over your life)

Prayer: Great is the glory of the Lord and forever He does reign.  His sovereign hand is on my heart and in my children’s lives.  I cannot save my children or myself my help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.  I proclaim and declare trust in the living God- Jesus Christ.  Have Your way in my life.  Restore my family to their original creation design.  Enlighten the eyes of my heart so that I might hear from You and that I might begin to grow in the knowledge of Your majesty and understand my own standing in Your kingdom.  Thank you, Jesus.  Amen

Ephesians 1:17-20 (NIV)

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit [of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,  and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,

 

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Uncertainty is a Tyrant!

Uncertainty is a tyrant- wielding warriors of anxiety, desperation and helplessness

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There is a deep, raw and primal need to protect our children. In my life I have the privilege and responsibility of listening to the pain, as mother’s hearts are roughly exposed and left vulnerable. Three mothers in differing amounts of struggle from uncertainty poured out their pain as I listened and prayed for them this week.

Between snippets of breathe, I heard the retelling of the story of her daughter’s last moments on earth

I listened to the rigid and unforgiving regimen of cancer treatment endured for a friend’s son battling for his life. We half joked noting that you need therapy just to endure all the therapy.

I listened to a mother torn and confused on treatment options for her son with ADD. Her eyes revealing her desperate desire to quiet the monstrous “what-ifs” the all too familiar, lurking to devour— uncertainty

We have an option, only one, to not only endure the devourer named uncertainity but to conquer it. We have the option of surrendering to the Lord and receiving a whole new perspective. A vision of life that we cannot see because our eyes are darkened by grief and battle torn by circumstances too horrible for us to endure alone.

Pray: Lord Jesus, I am desperate. My heart is breaking and I have no place to find relief. Help me. Help me to see Your mighty hand and to feel Your protection. Guide me Jesus through this mine field. I bind the evil of uncertainty, hopelessness, helplessness and mind numbing mental anguish of the unknown in Jesus name. Take my anxiety from me, I cast it onto You. Let me see the next step in front of me and help me to take it. And then the next, move me as only You are able. Protect my mother heart from the devourer satan as he throws his deceitful darts of doubt. I cry out to the living God to save me, guide me and shelter my raw heart. Only You God. Only You, Jesus. Amen.