Photo by Cristian Palmer on Unsplash
Overturned, toppling. Water. Surrounded in water. Breathing in water. Trying to find, which way was up and which down. Was I swimming further away from my only air source or closer? Sheer panic struck. I frantically flailed my arms getting no direction fast. Without knowing, the way up, Hopeless. Helpless.
A nightmare? No, it was my reality for the writing portion of my heart. I let this portion of me become to large of a piece of my identity, very dangerous.
I’ve been gone for a while. Missing in action.
I felt too fragile to write.
Everything I thought I worked for got pulled out from under me. God had warned me in a dream, I would suffer great rejection and that I must rely on Him. I had heard the warning and prayed fervently—four months passed.
I thought God had called me to write on a very specific topic. Now I knew I had been leaning on my own understanding, what I thought, right. I pressed into my own wisdom and the boat overturned. What a great mercy of the Lord to stop me in my futility. However, it hurt and to be honest parts of me are still reeling.
Where am I now? A full four months more have passed.
I’m at the bottom of the lake floating in full surrender to Christ. I am no longer in fear of loss of identity or death. Death of self. I’m no longer frantically, scurrying about.
I’m learning to live again. I’m not sure what I’m doing only what I’m not.
I am not in charge.
I do not have a plan.
I can’t ‘make it happen.’
I am not who I same I am, I am who God says I am.
God is in control and I am not. He is more than enough to overcome all the obstacles in my life, including my own stubborn self.
Thank You, Jesus, for Your gentle mercies. Even when, and especially when they don’t feel gentle. I don’t want to be operating in my own understanding making my futile plans. That just doesn’t work. Thank You, for saving me from myself. Your ways are greater than my ways. Your plans for me are greater than my plans. Thank You, for loving me despite me. Help me, to rely on You. I’m helpless without You. Please cover me in the blood of the Lamb. You are more than enough for all these things, Christ, Jesus. Amen.
Blessed [gratefully praised and adored] be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts and encourages us in every trouble so that we will be able to comfort and encourage those who are in any kind of trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (AMP)